NLP & GO

The Power of a Compliment

Date: 2/15/2024

The Power of a Compliment 

 
 ©  Copyright 2024 to Shlomo Kory,  All rights reserved  
 
Part 1: Introduction
It is  important to be aware that while there are guidelines,  there are no hard and fast rules in interpersonal communication.  There can be more than one correct way.   And, what you should say will vary depending on the people involved and the situation . 
 
Before you say your compliment,   consider if you really need to give a compliment!  In many situations it may be better to just express your gratitude.  For example,  if someone serves you a nice meal, you might want to just say a sincere "Thank you" rather than complimenting the food. Of course, you might decide that it is appropriate to say both:  "Thank you very much  for the delicious meal!".
 
Before we start,  here are some ideas on how to best implement the information:  1)  write down the compliment you are considering.  Then look at it  and modify it on paper before you actually  say it.   2) practice saying it (to yourself) before saying it to the recipient.     3)  practice giving compliments  in neutral situations  (meaning  where there is no or little emotional involvement) until you are familiar and comfortable with these principles. Then give your compliments to family members and other "significant" people in your life. 
 
Practice is important because the more this becomes second nature,  the better you will be able to compliment effectively!    
 
Part 2: Creating your compliment --What to say 
 
1-- The first thing you might want to consider is:  Why do you want to compliment the person? 
Here are some reasons:  
---You want to improve your relationship with someone.  
---You want to encourage a behavior or character trait this person does or has
---You want to make the person feel good
---to soften criticism you have to give them    
Knowing what your purpose is in giving the compliment  will help you choose an appropriate compliment,  word it properly,  and deliver it more effectively.  
 
What you say is a combination of the following two factors:   
2 --- Sincerity : In order to have an impact, your compliment must be sincere. Therefore,  find something that you genuinely like about the person.     If you truly like something  you will say it more sincerely and the person will feel the compliment much more. 
 
Don't  give someone a false compliment. For example, if you see your friend wearing an ugly sweater  don’t compliment it.  It is easy for people to detect when you are not being truthful.  
 
This seems to be in contrast to what we find in the Gemara  (כתובות  יז) that Beis Hillel tells us to say a compliment according to the other person's perspective--what they think is good.  We could answer this seeming contradiction:   If you can do what Beis Hillel suggests in a genuine and sincere way,  then by all means do that!   But,  if you cannot,  the compliment can easily backfire and come across as sarcastic and even as an insult.  In such cases,  it is better to play it safe and compliment something that you personally admire.   
 
3-- Compliment something that is meaningful to  the person  at this moment. A compliment will feel more special when it’s clear you’ve noticed something that really matters to the person you’re talking to. You might ask yourself:  What might this person want to hear now ? 
 
Here are four areas with examples:   
---Achievements-- "Because of your expertise the project was successful!"  "Wow! What you accomplished is incredible !"
---Personal qualities --"I really admire your bravery in...."  "You are a person who knows how to make peple feel at home ..." 
---Physical traits  --"You look great!" 
---Possessions -- "The new house you bought is really beautiful"... 
 
 Sometimes what the person wants to hear may not be obvious.  By complimenting something that is not immediately obvious it shows that you are really paying attention to the person. 
 
One way you can figure out what the person would like to hear when it is not obvious is by listening to what they speak about.   People tend to speak about things that are important to them.  For example,  if someone very often talks about food ,  then food is important to them.  You might decide to compliment them about the food they served.
 
Part 3 --How to word it
 
4--Be careful not to include negative wordings--There are two areas:
--About the other person:  This boils down to a compliment with an insult! 
For example, you would not want to say : 
 "You look really great today --for a change!"
"Finally you did an outstanding act of kindness!"
"Hey!  You came on time today!" 
"The soup was delicious.  It was just a little too spicy.  Still I really enjoyed it!"
 
--About yourself:
"You look really great today-- not like sloppy me!"
"I admire your act of kindness -- I wish I could be like you"  
 
The reason this may not be good is:
-- It may convey the message that you are really concentrating more on yourself than the other person. 
--  It may take away from the positive impact the compliment could have had when the person hears your negative reaction .  It may come across as "you made me feel bad".  Or, "I am jealous of you". 
 
5-- Abstract or specific or both? 
Definition:  Abstract wording contains much less information than specific wording.
There are gradations of abstract and specific.
All of the following examples  are "valid".  Use your intuition to decide which would be most effective in this situation and with this person. 
--"That was a delicious meal!"  [abstract]
--"That delicious warm vegetable soup really hit the spot on a cold winter night " [specific]
--"That was a super enjoyable meal!  I especially liked that delicious warm vegetable  soup  on a cold winter night" [abstract and then specific]
--"I really liked that delicious warm vegetable  soup  on a cold winter night. The truth is the whole meal was  fantastic!"  [specific and then abstract]
-- "That was a super enjoyable meal!  I especially liked that delicious warm vegetable  soup  on a cold winter night.  The truth is that you are a fantastic cook"   [abstract then specific then abstract]
 
Notice that you can say the compliment from your perspective ("I really liked the soup") or from a more objective perspective ("That was a delicious meal")
 
  
Part 4: How to Say It 
 
6- Your facial expression.  You have a choice.  You can either smile or deliver it with a more serious  expression. However,  do not  giggle or  laugh!  If you do you might appear to be joking--or worse,  making fun of the other person. 
 
7- Eye contact.  Usually having eye contact gives you a stronger connection with your listener. Generally speaking you would want to avoid the two extremes:   If you look down or look away, you might come across as less sincere.  On the other hand, don't overdo it by staring at them! This can make them feel uncomfortable and self-conscious.  
 
8--Voice Tone Typically it is good to express your compliment warmly and with a positive tone of voice.  
 Be careful about negative tones of voice such as sarcasm.   Often this comes from anger or jealousy. If you feel angry at or  jealous of the person, clear your negativity towards them before complimenting them.  If you have a negative voice tone the person might think you’re making fun of them. 
      
9-- Don't overdo it . There’s a limit to how many compliments a person wants to hear. This will vary from person to person.   Too many compliments takes away from the special feeling a compliment can give someone-- and can get annoying!   It can also raise suspicions: The person may start thinking "What do they want from me that they are saying so many compliments?". 
 
Also ,  don't overdo it by being very lengthy or by exagerrating.   
 
As a general rule:   Compliment only when something really strikes you as worth bringing up. Don’t compliment just for the sake of making conversation or trying to give the impression that you’re a nice person.   
 
Part 5:  Accepting Compliments
 
Some people  feel uncomfortable when another person says a good word about them.  As a result they may deny the compliment or put themselves down!  
There are even  people who respond in a conceited way to a compliment "Yes, thank you,  I know I am an expert!"
 
Here are 5 examples of how to accept a compliment:
--[Simply say] "Thank you" 
--[express your gratitude] "That is very nice of you to say that;   thank you!"
--[acknowledge your ability modestly] "Thank you.   I put a lot of work into it and I am happy that you like it".
--[give credit where credit is due]  "Yes,  so and so helped me.  I am happy that you are satisfied with our work!"
--[return a compliment--this doesn't have to be immediately]  "Thank you.  And, thank you for helping me the other day.  Because of you the project was a big success"